ANGER MANAGEMENT 101

For a plethora of reasons, I have decided to dedicate the next few posts to the topic of anger. Anger and lack of anger management are very destructive forces in not just the African-American community, it is, without question, the most destructive force of our world. Anger destroys relationships, friendships and households. Anger brings about violence,domestic abuse, child abuse, sexual crimes and wars. Although, anger is part of human nature, constructive and/or destructive methods of managing anger are passed from adult to child. But what is anger?

Anger is a basic human emotion that is experienced by all people. Typically triggered by an emotional hurt, anger is usually experienced as an unpleasant feeling that occurs when we think we have been injured, mistreated, opposed in our long-held views, or when we are faced with obstacles that keep us from attaining personal goals.

(mentalhealth.net)

The article continues to state:

Pain alone is not enough to cause anger. Anger occurs when pain is combined with some anger-triggering thought. Thoughts that can trigger anger include personal assessments, assumptions, evaluations, or interpretations of situations that makes people think that someone else is attempting (consciously or not) to hurt them. In this sense, anger is a social emotion; You always have a target that your anger is directed against (even if that target is yourself). Feelings of pain, combined with anger-triggering thoughts motivate you to take action, face threats and defend yourself by striking out against the target you think is causing you pain.

The above rings true from my personal experiences. For several different reasons, I was an angry child, teenager and young adult. I was consumed with unresolved issues. Hence, it did not take much to set me off. I used personal pain as a reason to vent my frustrations. I did not concern myself with the targets of my anger because I was wronged and felt justified to spray all those around me with the pellets of my wrath.

It was not until I received therapy did I begin to better understand the forces that lead me to destructively express my anger. Therapy helped me to better understand the root emotions behind my anger; once I better understood the root emotions, I was better able to manage my anger.

For me, my anger was triggered by personal assessments and my interpretation of situations. I struggled with my perceived short comings; unable to forgive myself for my perceived flaws - being black in a white community. As a young black boy and latter black man, I felt the constant sting of racism projected at me by society. I was taunted, teased, bullied (by older boys) and ridiculed on a daily basis in the community I was raised in. In elementary school little white girls cried if they had to be my partner in any activity. My classmates had a song they chanted whenever I acted to physically protect myself: fight, fight a nigger and a white.

There were birthdays, sleepovers and swim parties I never received invitations to. In fact, on one occassion my neighbor accross the street asked me to leave her house because her grandmother did not want any negroes in her house. Quite naturally, I began to develop self-loathing feelings. I began to question my self worth. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. My targets of my anger were often the people closest to me (my three sisters). My thoughts were negative so consequently my actions followed suit.

In therapy I was able to sort out the feelings and stop blaming myself for the actions of small minded and racist people. I worked on accepting myself just the way I am. Additionally, I did not have to fight force with force as I attempted to do in high school. I did not have to become a staunch black militant that hated all white people as I did during my college years.

I learned how to forgive even as I ask for forgiveness (see the lord's prayer)


Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses,

As we forgive those who trespass against us.


Amen.